Thanks
to those who liked or reblogged my past two posts. The support is much appreciated and actually helps a lot.
I would like to take time to answer both reblogs more in detail but my computer is dying from being on for 48 hours straight, so I shall do that tomorrow, if I can find time after my school work and college applications and failing of tests.
But please know that your words were very kind and I truly appreciate you taking the time to trek through that muddle of depressing logic. Not a lot of my actual friends would do that.
I have a weird relationship with suicidal thoughts...
So, I’ll straight up say it.
I do think about committing suicide.
Don’t think less of me, please. I actually take time to think about my thinking about them. (Metacognition FTW.) I do realize how stupid it is for me to actually do it. I know that there are people who actually would be hurt by it and would ask “why why why?”
But when I do think about it, it’s sometimes about just how much easier it would be than doing the stuff that I feel is piled and piled and piled upon me. Schoolwork, housework, extra-curriculars, relationships with friends, family. It sometimes feels like I have no room or time to breathe. But then, other times I deceivingly think its to punish myself for doing something badly or sloppily because I’m a bit of an extremist when it comes to analyzing/punishing myself, but I’ve realized that it’s not so much a punishment as it is a cry for the people around me/that are related to the problem to pay attention to me and feel bad about how bad I feel. Of course, as I’ve pointed out in a previous post, I never (or at the very least, rarely) iterate these thoughts to other people, so that I don’t seem pathetic or wimpy, making it impossible for them to actually know or to realize that I’m having these thoughts. And I just realized:
I just want someone who cares enough to ask and listen completely to my troubled thoughts, and doesn’t just shrug it off, but actually comforts me.
I guess comfort is all I want. Which is probably why when my dad said “Pops, I’m sorry, but that seems like a sign of weakness,” after I told him about my break-down in calculus that I felt like crying even more. The only problem is that I want people to not just comfort, but take the time to inquire and genuinely listen. I’m not sure if that’s what best for me, or what would actually work. But I know that that is what I want.
Let's see if this post lasts.
NEW ICON
From the lost memory card that was in my lost camera that was lost in my fagbag.
lostlostlostlostlostlostlostlostlostlostlostlostlostlost
My camera's been discovered.
Wait!
I just remembered I the last time I had my camera I was at schoo-
FUCKIN’ SHIT
I dunno why, but I feel like Tumblr's been wyrd today.
I should probably do that shit I have to do. I’m not enjoying this for some reason. Now I dunno what I’ll derive joy from.
Fuck. Bye.
